


Relaxation

by Missy



Category: Futurama
Genre: Action/Adventure, Bragging and Boasting, Crash Landing, Cruise Ships, Friendship, Gen, Humor, Singles Cruises, cannibalism jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-27
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2020-05-20 23:23:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19386553
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Missy/pseuds/Missy
Summary: Zapp and Kif end up piloting a singles' cruise.It goes as as well as it always does when Zapp helms a ship.





	Relaxation

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt: Futurama, Zapp Brannigan, Zapp is captaining the hottest Single's and Dating ship this side of Jupiter.

“Kif, have you seen my industrial-sized vat of lube?”

A very long, low , long-suffering sigh escaped Kif’s lips. “You left it on Alpha Centauri after emptying them on the bodies of those lunar mermaids.”

Zapp rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “Ahh yes. A slippery and forgettable time.”

“That’s because they’re mermaids!” Kif said. But then he regained control of his anger. “Why are you looking for your lube vat?”

Zapp took on a stronger stance – his shoulders thrown back and his fists tucked against the indentation of his hips. “Because, Kif, I have been given an offer. A wonderful offer that will make us very happy for a very long time.”

Kif frowned. “Does it involve being bitten by nymphs again?”

“No, this mission will be nymph-free,” Zapp said. “Kiff, my friend, we will be piloting a singles cruise to Venus during the month of February. From what I understand, it will be clothing optional…”

“They’re letting you pilot another cruise ship?” Kif asked. His expression was utterly neutral, but his face twitched ever-so subtly at the very idea.

Zapp made a dismissive sound. “I know we had some issues with that restaurant, but that’s because it handled like a lead barge!” Kiff groaned. “There will be no disasters this time! And no problems! This baby’s going to run like a cheetah! A purring cheetah with velvet paws and sexy, sharp little claws!”

Kif moaned, but kept his eyes on the dash. He wasn’t going to fight with Zapp; he knew too well that struggling with the man would lead nowhere. So he did what he always did when Zapp got opinionated – he ignored his ridiculousness until the situation was too difficult to ignore. He may have to mop up Zapp’s messes, but he wouldn’t force himself to do so until he absolutely had to.

*** 

“My, how sensual it is here!” Zapp smiled as he caressed the velvet-covered wall nearest him, the slippery-softness of the coating making him shudder in pleasure. 

“It looks like a Plutonian cathouse,” said Kif.

“When are you going to stop complaining about that establishment?” Zapp asked. “Didn’t you get to play with string and lap at milk?”

“I’m allergic to milk,” Kif said. “My face went purple for four months!”

Zapp blinked. “Aren’t you always purple?” Kif glared at him. “Come on. I’m sure you’ll find something worth your time in this little knockout of a place?” He took Kif by the head and pressed him against the velvet walls. “Feel that. Isn’t it good?”

Kif pushed Zapp away – and did make a soft sound of surprised pleasure as the softness surrounded his features. “Oh my. This is indeed a treat!”

“And that’s just the beginning!” said Zapp. “The kitchen prepares five-star six-course meals! The gym is the finest ever seen in the universe! And the night-life is outstanding!”

“Well. I suppose it might not be so bad,” Kif said. He stood away from the wall and straightened his DOOP uniform. “But we’re going to be on duty the whole time!”

“That, my friend, is what the autopilot is for,” said Zapp.

Kif gulped, forcing a smile.

*** 

The ship was indeed luxurious. Kif couldn’t deny that, even as he spent almost all of his waking hours with an eye to star maps and his hands on levers. The bed he occasionally slept in was as soft as a cloud. The food tasted good as he shoved it into his mouth and hastily chugged it down. The entertainment was amusing, though he only sat though one cabaret performance by the head of John Davidson. And the women he refused to flirt with because of his loyalty to Amy were plentiful, beautiful, lonely and horny. It was like that old story about Midas, who had everything he wanted lying at the tips of his fingers but couldn’t touch it because whatever he felt, whatever he wanted to drink and eat, would turn to gold. 

Kif grunted and turned on the night communicator, dialing up Amy’s number, hoping she might be awake on Earth while having no idea what time it actually was outside of Martian Maritime Codes. Amy answered on the second ring.

“Is there such a thing as having too much fun?” he asked her.

“I think Zapp would be a better person to ask,” she said. 

He moaned. “I’m on a singles’ cruise in the middle of the galaxy and the only person in the universe I want to talk to right now is you,” he said.

“Aww, Kiffy – I love you!” she said. He saw her robe and her face mask, and knew she was settled down for the night –loyal in her own way. “Please try to have a little fun. The non-cheating kind,” she emphasized.

“I’ll try to,” he said. He noticed the big, red button marked ‘autopilot’ in huge white letters glowing temptingly up at him just beside his hand. 

Well. Zapp told him to have fun. Told him to relax….

His palm came down on the button, and the engines downshifted into low-powered mode. With a satisfied nod, he went to his room to change into something much more casual. 

*** 

Zapp Brannigan was a kid in a candy store. A very hormonal, oversized kid, but just as enthusiastic as any child let off the leash to have a little fun on their own. He had a cocktail in his hand, his arm around two women, and he was moonbathing in the smallest and tightest tiger-striped Speedo he could find. He was lost in a paradise that was wholly his own, and he was convinced that Kif was having a good time on his own. Being responsible. Kif loved doing that, didn’t he?

“And as I was saying, ladies,” he continued, “there I was – two men deep – fighting with my fist and my wits against the teaming horde of pincher bugs! But my swing was mighty and determined! I grabbed one by the throat, another by the shoulder, and I rammed them together!”

“Oooh, you sound so strong,” the blonde – Sylvia? Shawna? – said, feeling up his bicep. 

“I’m stronger than a mountain lion,” he said. “Why, if I had to I could haul all three of you over my head and bench press you!”

“Can you?” one of them asked.

“Can I?!” He echoed. Then he saw Kif approaching, and felt as if he’d been spied picking his nose by an angry schoolmamrm. “Excuse me, ladies!” He got up and approached, Kif, but then he noticed his first mate – who was double-fisting cocktails and wearing a Hawaiian shirt. Finally! He’d taken Zapp’s advice and stuck the auto-pilot on. Zapp swung back toward the women he’d been charming – but then the cruise ship rocked violently against a sudden obstacle.

“Oh no,” Kif muttered. “We’ve struck something!”

**

The ‘something’ was a very large planet with very little water on it. The survival rate was high, but they were restless and annoyed. Fortunately their radio worked when they called out for help, and DOOP promised to arrive with evacuation shuttles quickly.

Kif sat morosely in his Hawaiian shirt, frowning at the picture before him. Zapp’s response was quiet determination.

“Well, Kif,” he said. “I suppose if we have to resort to cannibalism. You go first! You’re the most useless.”

Kif punched Zapp in the jaw. Just once.

Fortunately it didn’t come to cannibalism before help arrived. Though Kif did have a few very weak bite marks on his arm when he was finally returned to civilization.


End file.
